Converting One Night Stands Into Friends With Benefits

Sometimes guys struggle, and subsequently harbor feelings of emptiness attempting to convert ONS (One Night Stands) and SNLs (Same Night Lays) into FWBs (Friends With Benefits, fuck buddies, or girlfriends). There are multiple reasons for the success or failure thereof, only some of which are within your control.

First, a lot of it depends on context. In other words: her. No matter how well you play your cards, some girls just want to shag and forget. Statistically it’s more prevalent among the attractive younger crowd (18-23) who have no reason ‘ in their mind ‘ to commit to any guy given how much attention they receive daily. A female in her prime is on top of the world and can do no wrong, so being neglected by one shouldn’t make you feel bad. As your sexual market value increases and hers drops in the coming years, revenge will be yours.

Regardless, I’ve had one night stands do any of the following, without any real consistency:

  • Invite herself to spend the night by rolling over after sex, stealing the sheets, and proclaiming ‘good night’ with a little giggle. Hard to kick a girl out after that. Well played.
  • Shy away from physical contact after we finished, put her clothes on, say ‘bye’ and I never hear from her again.
  • Look at me with pre-tears in her eyes, lips about to quiver, and ask ‘so is this a one time thing or will I see you again’?
  • Inform me that she should get back to her boyfriend and I never hear from her again.

And everything in-between. These are a little dramatic, but they illustrate the presence of a random factor. As you read, keep this in mind. It’s not possible to predict who will or won’t be down for round 2, but if you’re consistently failing it’s another story.

Conversion Is Part Of A Process

This is true of any endeavor and in relationships there’s a natural evolution from initial encounter > date > sex/dating > relationship > marriage > whatever. Skipping a step rarely happens and skipping two steps is a recipe for disaster. In order to understand what makes or breaks the potential for a comeback, it helps to look at the psychology behind a one night stand.

You meet a girl, and give it to her good. Chemicals are whirling, you feel great, hopefully she feels great, but at the same time she’ll be a little confused on ‘how it all happened’. When emotion supersedes rationale as a decision maker, the resulting cocktail can be a little tough for the hamster to process.

Not only that, but despite her dropping the panties, especially in present day UK you still just met and there’s not enough rapport for anything more. Not yet anyway. She knows you have the initiative because you got what you wanted (from a biological standpoint) and she’s not expecting anything beyond a high five. So if your goal is to convert this lay into multiple lays and ‘see where it goes’, there’s no need to rush. Becoming an incongruent needy betaboy who has to plan date 2 then and there will chase her away despite any initial feelings of bonding. Don’t do it.

In order to convert (if possible), you need to follow the natural, gradual progression of more sex getting to know each other. Because it’s context dependent (Did you randomly pick her up on the street? Did you ‘meet’ online? Have you been friends for a while but never went out 1-on-1?), the best solution is to assess the overall situation. The longer you’ve known each other prior to sex, the quicker the transition and vice versa.

The following steps will generally yield additional dates with context dependent deviations:

  1. Immediately following sex, lay down with her and do a little pillow talk. Lay on your back, pull the girl into you (so she’s half on top of you with her arm on/across your chest), and do some light teasing. ‘Blaming’ her for what just happened is perfect to get some laughs and keep it light. Something akin to ‘I can’t believe you’d take advantage of me like this, wouldn’t even let me keep my clothes on with a smirk. All the while playing with her hair or lightly scratching her back. Feel free to run your hands over her body.
  2. Spending the night is a tough call and varies by situation. If you want her to stay, say ‘well that was fun, but it’s getting late. If you want you can stay here or go, it’s whatever, up to you, and take it from there. Otherwise get up first, put your clothes on, and sit there talking to her. She’ll take the hint. Another move is to hop into the bathroom to pee/wash your junk/take a shower. When you return she’ll either be laying there or be fully clothed. The point is it should partially come from her. Other times (if she’s too drunk to drive) it’s a given.
  3. When she leaves, don’t make a big deal out of it. You now have the initiative so there’s no need to immediately plan a follow-up. That reeks beta. A simple hug and kiss followed by ‘I had fun, talk to you later’ is sufficient. Then either wait for her to get a hold of you or send a ‘we should get together again’ text the following day.

Congratulations, you’re on your way to developing some sort of relationship. It only gets more complex from here.

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5 replies
  1. Liz
    Liz says:

    Reading this as a female who is trying to turn a one night stand into a fuck buddy situation. We had mind blowing sex a while ago (and I know it was good for him) and I’ve been hanging out with the guy a lot lately. We’ve gradually been talking more about our hook up and the night it happened, but I’m still worried we’re falling into being just friends and I just can’t seem to figure out how to let him know that I’d be down to be FWB. Advice?

    • magic
      magic says:

      Hi Liz

      My suggestion would be that you should be honest with the guy. Just tell him what you want from him and if he likes it then great. If he says no then at least you know where you stand and you can move on.

      • Liz
        Liz says:

        Okay, so here’s an update. The guy and I have hooked up a few times since I posted this. The problem: I don’t know if we’re JUST friends with benefits or if we’ve already gone too deep. We hang out a lot, going to the movies or getting drinks by ourselves, and hookup every few times. Sometimes (like tonight) he just walks me home and we make out before he goes home. He also holds my hand and cuddles me a lot before and after we hook up. The first time we hooked up since I posted this, I even said “So, we can be fuck buddies now?” and he responded “That works for me for now.”
        I guess I’m just growing concerned that we didn’t define this as exclusively FWB so it’s causing some confusion and mixed messages.
        Sorry for the long post, just wanted to give all the info I can. HELP.


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